I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
