I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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