I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
