im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
