the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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