Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Bring me that man meat
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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