i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
