Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
