I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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