My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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