Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
