it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
