My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We left the knife in your bed.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
