I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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