I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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