R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
