she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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