i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
