he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
