I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I love having hate sex.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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