I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
