I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
