My hand turned me down
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
