Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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