She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
