Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
