Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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