nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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