grandma shit on top of the toilet
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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