Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
