the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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