kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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