One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
