i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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