the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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