so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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