Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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