I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
