Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
