It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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