i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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