Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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