dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize