When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's always time for handjobs
My liver just had a heart attack.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
