I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
