I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
