I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
