I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
