Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
