Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You can't motorboat a personality
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
