I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
