I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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