i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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