ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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