I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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